


Misophonia

by artikgato



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Illness, Misophonia, lbr this is just me Projecting, souji is a good friend, yosuke is trying his best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-05 00:39:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12179595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artikgato/pseuds/artikgato
Summary: "I wish you'd said something," Souji said, his voice so quiet that it was nearly a whisper. Yosuke sighed."Sorry," he replied, wincing at how loud his own voice sounded."Want to talk about it? I'll listen," Souji replied, and Yosuke gave a mirthless chuckle."What's there to say? I'm just a wimp that can't handle noise sometimes," Yosuke replied, with a sad smile."I don't think that's it," Souji said, with a frown.





	Misophonia

**Author's Note:**

> I've been sitting on this one since November, and I was never really sure if I ever wanted to post it or not, because it's blatantly just me projecting my own problems on to Yosuke. But, hey this needs to be out there, so here you go, Internet.
> 
> Disclaimer: I'm writing about an actual mental illness with my own experiences and perceptions as a source. Different people are going to experience it differently, so my account of misophonia might differ drastically from someone else's, but it is still an actual mental illness with it's own Wikipedia page and everything: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misophonia
> 
> Misophonia, literally "hatred of sound", was proposed in 2000 as a condition in which negative emotions, thoughts, and physical reactions are triggered by specific sounds. It is also called "select sound sensitivity syndrome" and "sound-rage".

It hadn't happened in a while. Not since he met Souji and got his Persona. Yosuke knew it was correlation and not causation - something they'd learned about in school just last week, he'd been a little proud to remember - but maybe there's something to it. Maybe Jiraiya being there, in the back of his head, was helping filter the noise. Maybe it's because there was finally, finally someone in this town that actually cared about him and wanted to help him, and was openly nice to him. Maybe there wasn't as much appeal to complaining about Junes any more, maybe people were tired of watching for pain or remorse or anything on his face, because he'd stopped showing it to them and only let himself feel it when he was alone. Yosuke didn't know. All he knew is that he hadn't needed the headphones in a while, hadn't felt broken.

Until today.

Another shop went out of business. Konishi Liquors, naturally. Of _course_ it was Junes that caused their store to fail, and not, oh, the fact that Saki's parents and brother were still grieving over her sudden and undeserved death. No, Junes was to blame, even though they didn't actually have that big of a selection of wine or saké. Junes, and therefore Yosuke, was to blame, not the fact that nobody in this town actually put their money where their mouth is and supported the local businesses. Oh no. And despite the fact that none of his classmates were Naoki Konishi or, in fact, even old enough to drink any of the products that the now failed liquor store sold to begin with, boy did they sure have opinions.

It was partially Yosuke's own fault this time. He knew that when he didn't eat he was more susceptible, but by the time lunch rolled around he was sick to his stomach from anxiety and couldn't really eat. He knew he needed to get out of the classroom and away from the classmates that were bitching about Junes like they didn't shop there all the time, just loud enough that he could hear them even with his headphones on. He didn't have the energy to leave. He just laid his head down, closed his eyes, and turned up the volume until he couldn't hear anything. He felt someone shaking his shoulder and only once he realized it was Souji did he lower the headphones, trying to keep his hands from shaking.

"I missed you at lunch. Did you eat anything?"

"Nah, I'm not hungry today, Partner," he replied, giving him a smile that he hoped didn't look as forced as it felt. His classmates laughed behind him, and he was so distracted that he didn't hear what Souji said. "S-sorry, what?"

"Are you working today? I thought it would be a good day to go train in the TV," Souji replied, frowning a little at him. Yosuke opened his mouth, but hesistated. He listened to music all the time when they fought Shadows in the TV world, but it had to be quiet enough that he could hear Souji's orders - and he could hear the gross noises the Shadows made, as a consequence. It freaked him out on a good day, and today was decidedly not a good day, but he couldn't-

The classmates laughed again. One of them had a squeaky sort of wheeze-laugh, and it was going to drive him insane if he heard it again.

"Yosuke?" Souji asked, after a minute of silence. He looked concerned.

"I'm fine, don't worry," Yosuke said, quickly. He didn't realize he was gripping the side of his desk with all his might until it started to hurt. Souji followed his line of sight down and noticed it too, frowning deeper. Yosuke took a breath to explain. "I...I don't think today's-"

"Oh my god no way!" one of the girls behind him shrieked, and he actually flinched in response. Shit, what was he about to say? He swallowed, taking a deep breath to try to calm himself down, and looked up when Souji started to say something else, but behind them a girl with an annoyingly high-pitched voice started to talk at the same time, and with his attention divided so painfully he couldn't actually focus on what either person was saying. He bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut involuntarily, hearing Souji stop talking abruptly but the girl didn't.

"-and he doesn't even have to come to class anymore, just as long as he passes! Just because his sister died? I mean, it was horrible what happened to Konishi-sempai but that's sooo unfair!"

"Yah, I know! And now fucking Junes made their store go out of business! Now what are we gonna drink when we turn 20?"

He felt Souji put a hand on his shoulder, and then felt the weight of his headphones vanish from his neck. He looked up in a panic, but Souji only dropped his headphones back over his ears with a concerned look on his face. He turned away momentarily to reach over to his desk and rip a sheet of paper out of his notebook and retrieve a pencil, motioning to it with a questioning look on his face. Yosuke nodded, blessedly unable to hear anything other than the calm, reassuring sounds of the piano and violin and guitar that made up most of the playlist on his mp3 player that he had labeled 'bad day'. Souji wrote something on the paper and handed it to Yosuke, having to actually put it in his hands as he had his head down, vision on his lap, and was taking deep breaths.

'Do you need me to take you to the nurse?'

Biting his lip, Yosuke considered for a second before writing a response.

'They'll shut up when lunch is over. Should be fine then.'

'Are you sure?'

He wanted to go. He really wanted to let Souji lead him out of the room, away from his annoyingly loud classmates with their squeaky wheezy laughter and their high pitched squealing and their insessant chatter about Saki and her parents' failing store. But he'd spent so much time in the nurse's office last year, with nobody like Souji around to help him, that he couldn't help feeling like he'd overstayed his welcome there. He was sure the nurse hated him just as much as everyone else in this town did, after all, only she had to be nice to him because she was getting paid to be. And how pathetic was he, running at the first sign of discomfort? No, he could do this as long as he just got through lunch. Everything would be fine. He could listen to the lecture, and take deep breaths, and his headache would go away, and then they could go to the TV world and he could burn away his frustration fighting Shadows. Yeah, he could do this.

'TV's fine after school. Thanks partner.'

* * *

Everything wasn't fine.

His headache hadn't gone away - of course it hadn't, it never did, not until he took headache medicine and stayed somewhere quiet for a while, and he hadn't had time for that. And the Shadows made the most grating, shrill, _disgusting_ noises when they attacked. Every single one had felt like nails down a chalk board to him. And that was the _enemies_. Yosuke hadn't ever noticed before now goddamn noisy his teammates were, aside from Teddie. And _man_ was Teddie noisy. Crying 'Yosuke!' in that irritatingly high-pitched voice, wailing when Yosuke glared at him, crying for 'Sensei' when Yosuke just frowned and turned his music up and folded his arms. And his feet squeaked when he walked around in that stupid bear costume!

And Chie. _Chie_. Whatever Yosuke had done to deserve this, he didn't know, but Chie was hiccuping just, non-stop today, and didn't even have the decency or manners to cover her mouth! And Yukiko wasn't even fussing at her about it, for some reason! Speaking of Yukiko, she was a generally quiet person, thank god, but she had a habit of talking so low on the register that Yosuke couldn't hear her properly over his music. All he knew was that she was talking, not what she was saying, and it was going to drive him nuts by the time they were done with their training. To contrast, Kanji talked so loud normally that if Yosuke didn't know any better he'd say he was shouting constantly, which was _almost_ as annoying. Holy fuck, they were all so annoying. Thank god for Souji - quiet, quiet Souji who knew how to project his voice so that it was loud enough to hear but not loud enough to be annoying. He was the one anchor holding Yosuke's precious sanity intact.

They'd been through three excruciating floors and were taking a break, and as soon as Souji had announced that fact, Yosuke had put as much distance between himself and the others as possible, put his back against a wall and slid down it to press his face into his knees and turn up his music.

 _Just breathe,_ he'd told himself. Breathe and make it through this. It's going to be okay. Chie can't help her hiccups, Yukiko is naturally soft-spoken, Kanji is just naturally outspoken, Teddie can't do anything about the goddamned squeaking. What kind of psychopath would you look like if you complained about any of that? Hold it together. It's only a few more floors. You can't leave, we've barely gotten any training done, and you'd look really pathetic for wanting to leave after so few floors. You can go home and it'll be quiet and your headache will go away, and you can-

"Yosuke!" Teddie's shrill voice cut through his thoughts. Yosuke's head snapped up, eyes wide in fury, halfway to a snarl, but he saw that Souji was dragging Teddie away from him, an exasperated look on his face. He turned the bear to face him and was talking to him, lecturing him probably, but Yosuke couldn't actually hear him over his music. Teddie looked over at him once, distraught, then nodded at Souji and walked away. Souji looked back over at him, hesitant, and then walked over to the group. Yosuke just sighed and put his head back down on his knees. Souji was worried about him now, great. He probably looked like such a wimp. Way to earn Partner's respect! Good job, Yosuke!

Some time later, he felt someone sit down next to him, and looked over to see Souji offering him a hopeful, but nervous smile. Rather than trying to say anything, he reached up and pantomimed taking a pair of headphones off of his own head. Yosuke looked around, noticing that the others were gone, and reached into his pocket to pause his music, sliding the headphones off of his ears. The silence he was met with was a little jarring after the volume of the music, but it was such a welcome non-sound that he wanted to cry.

"I wish you'd said something," Souji said, his voice so quiet that it was nearly a whisper. Yosuke sighed.

"Sorry," he replied, wincing at how loud his own voice sounded.

"Want to talk about it? I'll listen," Souji replied, and Yosuke gave a mirthless chuckle.

"What's there to say? I'm just a wimp that can't handle noise sometimes," Yosuke replied, with a sad smile.

"I don't think that's it," Souji said, with a frown. "And for the record, you aren't a wimp. I could see some of those noises causing you physical _pain_ , Yosuke."

"The school nurse thought I was faking it," Yosuke finally sighed. "The principal too. I don't know if my parents really believed me either, but they complained to the school enough that I'm allowed to wear these headphones now."

"Yosuke," Souji sighed in response. He looked so sympathetic, so concerned, that it was easy for Yosuke to feel like he might actually believe him. Souji noticed little things like that, so of course he'd noticed Yosuke's responses to some of the noises.

"You know Aizawa-chan, in our class? She has this really annoying laugh, it's sort of like-" here, he attempted to imitate her shrill wheeze-laughter - "and it drives me up the wall, man. It makes me want to actually throttle her. But she's a nice girl, she's one of the few that I've never heard actually say anything bad about me or Junes. And I can't exactly ask her to stop laughing." Souji nodded, and Yosuke took that as a sign that he should continue.

"There are just noises like that - her laughing, or Teddie's stupid feet squeaking, or Chie hiccuping and not covering her mouth - that just _really_ irritate me. Most days, they're just really annoying, but I can usually ignore them. Some days, they just make me really mad. And I know I'm over-reacting, but I can't help it. Especially not if I'm already mad or stressed because people are talking shit about Junes."

"And the Konishis' store just went out of business," Souji replied, biting his lip as it dawned on him. "I heard some of our classmates talking about it, but I didn't realize...oh, _Yosuke_."

"Hey, don't pity me. It's...this is mostly my fault. I should've said I couldn't come in here today. I didn't eat lunch either, and I know that only makes it worse, but I..." Yosuke trailed off, taking a deep breath. "I didn't want to disappoint you."

"I'm sorry," Souji replied again, but Yosuke shook his head.

"It's not like you knew, Partner," Yosuke replied, and Souji frowned in response.

"But I could tell something was bothering you, I shouldn't have-"

"Souji, I'm happy you trusted me when I said I was fine. Really, stop trying to take the blame, okay?"

They were both quiet for a second, Yosuke staring at him with conviction, and Souji still looking apologetic. Finally, Souji sighed.

"Okay. Now...is there anything I can do to help?" he asked. Yosuke shook his head.

"Not really. Talking about this...actually helped," Yosuke replied, with a little laugh. "Thank you for believing me."

"Of course," Souji replied. He pushed himself off of the wall and into a standing position, turning around to face Yosuke and offering him a hand up. Yosuke took it, and Souji pulled him to his feet. He took a Goho-M out of his pocket and, in a flash, they were standing in the backlot. Teddie, who had been sitting next to the stack of TVs and looking incredibly worried, jumped up and started to rush toward them.

"Sensei! Yosuke!" he cried. Yosuke winced, reaching for his headphones almost automatically, and Souji held out a hand to stop the bear in his tracks. Teddie looked startled, and a little hurt, but closed his mouth and didn't take another step towards them.

"Yosuke has a headache. Noises are painful to him right now. All right?" Souji asked, in a stage whisper meant to carry over to Teddie. Teddie nodded, turning to Yosuke with a wounded look on his face.

"Sorry, Yosuke," he whispered - loudly - in response. Yosuke sighed, but nodded, heading toward the exit.

"We'll be back soon, okay?" he whispered to Teddie. At the entrance, Yosuke paused. He could hear the familiar jingle over the Junes loudspeakers, even over here. He didn't want to risk it, so he pulled his headphones up and resumed his playlist, looking back to Souji. Souji nodded, an unspoken promise that he'd help Yosuke navigate out of his workplace, hopefully without incident.

* * *

After swallowing some pills, eating a big, filling meal and taking a long hot shower, Yosuke finally felt normal again. He flopped on his bed with a sigh, and only then did he notice that the message indicator on his phone was blinking. It was a text from Souji - several, actually.

> Misophonia

> A disorder in which negative emotions, thoughts, and physical reactions are triggered by specific sounds. It is also called "select sound sensitivity syndrome" and "sound-rage"

> It sounds like what you've been experiencing

Heart thudding in his ears, Yosuke pressed the space bar on his keyboard to wake up his computer, then typed the word into a search engine. The first link was an article, which he read all the way through, twice, then the related links, excited and startled at the same time. On the one hand - holy shit, there was a name for what he was feeling. It was a real thing that some smart people were actually researching, not just a stupid quirk in his brain! On the other hand, there was no real treatment, just some things that might help. Some of them were a no-brainer: get exercise, eat right, get healthy amounts of sleep. Others were a bit harder to stomach - expensive behavior therapy, hearing aids, or counseling, none of which Yosuke could afford with his part-time paychecks at Junes. But it was a start. It had a name.

>> omg prtnr

>> thx 4 tking me srsly

>> hly shit i cnt bleve it has a name

Souji responded quickly, as usual.

> You're welcome. And if you ever need help with it just say something.

> I mean it, Partner. At school or at work or in the TV

>> ur the best prtnr

And, after spending several minutes debating it, Yosuke also sent

>> <3

That wasn't too girly or gay, right? Not for someone that had taken him seriously about something that was turning out to be an actual, provable, serious mental illness.

**Author's Note:**

> I first suspected I had something like misophonia in 2013, after three painful years at a job where I had a variety of coworkers that made the most annoying sounds I'd ever heard (including, you guessed it, really annoying laughter and constant hiccuping, among other things). It ended up costing me the job, and causing me to leave another job for similar reasons. Some time between 2013 and 2015, the word 'misophonia' actually got popular enough to show up online, because that was when I actually discovered that this weird sound sensitivity thing I had going on in my brain was a real thing and not just my brain, in particular, being weird. 
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading if you got this far!


End file.
